Church of the Holy City

The problem of Self-Love

The Problem of Self Love
Rev. Dr. David J. Fekete
November 2, 2014

Micah 3:5-8 Matthew 23:1-12 Psalm 43

Our readings this morning bring up the problem of self-love. I call it a problem because self-love can be interpreted two ways. Our society commends self-love. We hear it often said that one can’t love someone else unless one loves one’s self. This gives self-love positive connotations. But in the history of Christianity, and in Swedenborg’s theology in particular, self-love almost always has negative connotations. In Christianity, self-love is usually contrasted with love for God, or love for the neighbor. Self-love is the opposite of love for God, or love for the neighbor. In this understanding of self-love, self-love is seen as selfishness and ego. So self-love is a problem. It is seen as both something positive and as something negative.
I must confess that I don’t understand the idea of loving self in a positive way. I don’t understand how thinking about myself and loving myself wouldn’t spill into self-absorption. It seems to me that it would make a person full of themselves. I think of a psychologist in the 20th century named Leo Buscaglia. He was a champion for love and for self-love. I remember reading one of his books, I don’t remember which one. But it started out like this, “Hi! I’m Leo Buscaglia–isn’t that great!” I remember thinking at the time, “What’s so great about that?” But Dr. Buscaglia was affirming himself, embodying that idea of self-love in a positive way. But it seemed like a thin philosophy to me at the time, and does to this day.
I don’t know what to make of the idea that we need to love ourselves in order to love others. I suppose that there is some merit in the idea that we need to feel worthy of love. If we think we are unlovable, or somehow deficient, we will not see others reaching out to us. We will not know how to respond to love because we will be convinced that no one is showing us love. But if we do think ourselves lovable, we will be able to see when others are being friendly or loving to us. The shield of negative self-image that blocked offers of friendliness and love would be broken up.
I think that it is necessary to have some kind of healthy self-image. I remember one person in a 12-step program saying that he thought himself a “Sorry SOB.” A young person then spoke up. He said that he is a valuable person. He is not a waste. That he is lovable, that he is made by God and God doesn’t make junk. The idea here, is that if a person thinks themself worthless it is easier to let themself go to pot through substances or alcohol. I’m no good, anyway, I night as well drink. So I think that a healthy self-image is necessary for individuals who have been given destructive ideas about who they are.
But over-emphasis on self can have the same effect as that of under-valuing self. If we are always thinking how wonderful we are, we will not be open to others either. I wonder how the average person would respond if I greeted them, “Hi, I’m Pastor Dave! Isn’t that great?!” So I can confess that I don’t know what to make of self-love in a positive way.
So I’m not sure how to take the current idea that self-love in a positive sense is necessary in order for us to love others. I’m a lot clearer about self-love as a religious problem. I can pose the issue this way, “What about the person who loves themself but never makes the bridge to loving other people–who remains with self-love alone?” Here we are dealing with self-love in a negative sense. This is the self love we call selfishness. These are people who think only about themselves in everything they do. These are people who qualify everything they do with the question, “What’s in it for me?” When we think of self in this way, it becomes a religious problem. Then self-love does oppose love for God and for our neighbor.
People who have self-love in a negative sense do things with an eye to their own gain. They are friendly to others only when others show them favor. And when others don’t revere them or treat them as special, they are angry and spiteful. These are the bad prophets in our Micah reading from this morning. It is stated very plainly in the Bible,
Thus says the LORD concerning the prophets
who lead my people astray,
who cry “Peace”
when they have something to eat,
but declare war against him
who puts nothing into their mouths (Micah 3:5).
These false prophets are peaceful to people who give them food offerings. But they declare war against those who don’t bring them offerings. By this metaphor, the Bible teaches us about self-love in a negative sense. People filled with negative self-love appear friendly to those who pay them court, but turn against whoever doesn’t treat them as someone special. Swedenborg speaks to self-love in a negative sense.
the impulses that arise from that love are urges to wound people who do not offer respect and deference and reverence. To the extent that rage takes charge, and the hatred and vengefulness that come from rage, people are driven to attack others viciously (HH 573).
There are other aspects to self-love. There is the issue of status and prestige. People who have self-love in a negative sense want honor, prestige, and status. Their interest is in the titles and honors they have–not in the job or function itself. These are like politicians who want to be Prime Minister not because they want to make their country a better place, but for the sake of the title, alone. We see this in party-spirit. When people want their party to be in office at all costs. This leads to political gridlock. Nothing gets done because both parties are not concerned with the actual issues and the good of the country. They care only for what makes their own party more powerful. Swedenborg describes these people in stark language. He, himself, must have seen a lot of this because he held a seat in his country’s house of nobles most of his life. So he tells it like it is,
people whose self-love leads them to take power intend good to no one but themselves. Any services they perform for others are actually for their own esteem and renown, since only this is of any use to them. Helping others is for them simply a means to being waited on and respected and deferred to. They strive for high office not for the good they ought to do for their country and their church but to be prominent and praised and therefore in their heart’s delight (HH 564).
These are the scribes and Pharisees from our Matthew reading,
5 They do all their deeds to be seen by men; for they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, 6 and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues, 7 and salutations in the market places, and being called rabbi by men (23:5-7).
But there is also a positive way to be in power. For Swedenborg, when a person’s heart is on the good he or she is doing, then status and power are good things. They want to do good, and they are happy when opportunities arise for them to do good. So when they are promoted to high positions, and receive important titles, their mind is only on the notion that now they have more opportunity to good to their city, country, or church. We have seen what the quest for power and status looks like for those who are caught up in self-love in a negative sense. It now remains for us to consider what status looks like for those who use it to do greater good. Swedenborg describes this as well,
There are two ways of being in power. One comes from love for our neighbor and the other from love for ourselves. In essence, these two kinds of power are exact opposites. People who are empowered by love for their neighbor intend the good of everyone and love nothing more than being useful—that is, serving others (serving others means willing well and helping others, whether that is one’s church, country, community, or fellow citizen). This is their love and the delight of their hearts. As such people are raised to high positions they are delighted; but the de-light is not because of the honor but because of the constructive things they can now do more abundantly and at a higher level. This is what empowerment is like in the heavens (HH 564).
High office and honorable titles for these people are ways of doing good to their country, their city, or their church. The status and titles they are given are means to their end, which is service. There was a time when politicians were called public servants. I don’t know if we still call them that. But these two ways of finding status–from self-love and from a love of service–are not only for politicians. We all have ways of being more or less useful and there are many ways of being given titles and honors. But if we are Christians, we are interested in the service we can do to others. We can serve personally to individuals, or collectively through organizations. And if service is our main intention, we can accept any position or title that comes our way. For Jesus has said, “He who is greatest among you shall be your servant; whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted” (Matthew 23:11-12).

PRAYER

Lord, you have created us in your own image and likeness. That means that we have the capacity to grow forever in wisdom and in love. We are all made with the same needs and wants–that is, to be loved, not to feel pain, and to be happy. Help us to see our fellows as just like we are. That our neighbors want the same things that we do, to be loved, not to feel pain, and to be happy. Give us the humility to see our neighbors as fellows–not better than us, not below us. May we feel like one among others, not looking down upon our neighbor; not looking up to him or her. And just as you accept and love us, so give us to accept and love our neighbor.

And Lord, we pray for the sick. May they experience the power of your healing love. Fill them with the grace of your healing power. Comfort their family and friends. We pray for the grace of your healing power for all who are ailing in body or soul.